Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Cheer up.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB