Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
listen closely
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out