New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
and this one
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.