[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.