My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did