“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…