I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.