i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in