(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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I’ll be mad as hell!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter