WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
#growingpains
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out