I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏