why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Swedish for common sense.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear