My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
2022 be like
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!