If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You Might Also Like
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
CRYING
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Worth remembering.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.