(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
You Might Also Like
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Body by Oreos
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.