My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
You Might Also Like
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
selfie game
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
🍛
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.