“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Sharon I have some bad news
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.