old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
You Might Also Like
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
This is my favorite one of these!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.