Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
You Might Also Like
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
When news reporters do sports stories
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.