a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem