[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.