Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.