To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
You Might Also Like
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?