brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I need this for my side hustle.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.