Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.