Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
what?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent