10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.