Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.