my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.