Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.