In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive