If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.