If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Only Americans understand
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.