Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?