I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now