[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
You Might Also Like
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”