If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’m Sold!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?