Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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peep davidson
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.