What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.