No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
That’s easy for you to say
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Trumpy Cat
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
There’s always that one guy
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.