when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
what are they serving at kfc then???
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry