It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
accurate
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The 6 types of sex
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
No selfies while hijacking a train.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard