A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?