They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.