What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?