Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
seems fine
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.