I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.