I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?