I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started