[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You Might Also Like
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
📽️movie date🎞️
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”